The Tobi Diaries
by autographontheradio
Summary: Tobi's sights of Akatsuki presented in innocent and gullible dairy format.
1. oh my god

I had a wonderful idea from the lovely "What I want for Christmas" By Atopos. Its on my fav story list... so go look it up. And Fred. You know Fred. EVERYONE knows Fred. I'm the main person behind why Fred (Youtube blogger) is popular at school. I just spread the word around now everyone loves him.

Spelling mistakes are there on purpose , if I could put "strikes" on ffnet there would be a lot. This fic is a "dairy" format. Because I can and you all care.

**September 9th, 9: 27 PM**

Oh my god.

omg. omg. omg. :O :O :O OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG :D :D :D !!!!! gsdjagsdjhaff!!!!

**OH MY GOD**. I can't believe what has just happened. I've been excepted into _Akatsuki!_ I better go before Sempai finds out what I'm doing, late at night writing in my dairy in this really dingy hotel cause apparently (this is what Madara said) um, the last hideout got blown up. That was Konoha's fault, thats what sempai said. hes asleep right now.

**September 10th, 1:12 AM**

I can't sleep I'm so excited!!!!

**September 10th, 1:15 AM**

...hey I just noticed that I (Tobi in case you guys didn't know, thats me) got into Akatsuki, but Madara didn't. But explaining who Madara is to you thing is really confusing so I won't write that down cause my hands are geting tired and ge

**September 10th, 1:17 AM**

Sempai came in and kicked me cause I had the light on. D: D:

**September 10th, 1:20 AM**

I'm riting in the dark, I feel speciaile now. i cant read what I'm riting so I cold make some spelin mistakes. u know sempai doesnt have any arms? well he does, i just havnt sen them. I think Zetsu has them...

**September 10th, 5:45 AM**

I still didn't sleep. I counted 7, 345 Akatsuki clouds. Lost count. I can hear Deidara snoring and see his blonde ponytail sticking up over the covers like a volcanic 't tell him I told you this, but I think hes a girl.

I'm being serious! These are my reasons:

**1**. He looks like a girl! Just look at him.

**2**. He doesn't have hairy armpits (I bet he waxes)

**3**. He sticks his tounge(s) out a lot when hes happy which I havent seen him do but I've heard that he does from Zetsu.

_i)_ he has a tounge in his mouth

_ii)_ two on his hands

_iii)_ he's got a stitched up one on his chest

_iiii)_ I'm not really sure but I think he might have two on his feet

**4.** He's jealous of Itachi.

So if we put that together, its more or less:

Deidara likes Itachi, yet Itachi's girly enough already, and while he was talking to these other Akatsuki members (I don't know what their names are, but I'll find out tomorrow cause I was talking to leader and he and Zetsu were somewhere else) and I've seen Itachi before cause Madara used to be his sempai, and the guy he was talking to said, in these words:

**"**_Deidara and Itachi are fucking dyke chicks only in Akatsuki cause their asses are more chick like than Konan and that weird girly Akatsuki Leader that tried to kill me put together and are the main source of money via sexual favours_**"** Now, Zetsu told me a "dyke" is a lesbian. And Itachi and Deidara are male. So would that make them male "dykes" but that guy said that Itachi and Sempai are male that I know of but he called them females. Is it cause they have long hair?

Why did that guy say "sexual favours" anyway?


	2. hidans head

-

-

**September 10th, 8:47 AM **

I had to feed sempai just now. He well... um I had to care for him until Hidan and Kakuzu come. Thats what he said their names are. Both can't die (like Madara) but there technqiues are more weirder. Apparently not everyone can teleport like Zetsu and me so they are slow.

Deidara doesn't lilke the fact I've had to act like his mother. He bit me on the arm when I was feeding him. He locked the door to the bathroom. Something that'ld only take a minute took him an hour.

Poor sempai.

-

**September 10th, 12:09 PM **

I think i just add that it was very funny walking into his room. Somehow he managed to re-bandage his arms and put sticks in where his arms were so he could kind of pick things up like... I don't know. I said to him, "Sempai, you shouldn't!" and he snapped "Shut up!" and kicked for like, the billionth time.

I think hes annoyed cause hes got no arms. I would be annoyed if I had no arms!

-

**September 10th, 12:13 PM **

Actually I'd just regrow them again. I hear in Land of Grass theres this really cool lotion that you stick on your wound and the body part you missed grows back! How cool is that!?

But Zetsu said it was more amusing to watch Deidara in pain because he hasn't forgiven him for blowing up his land.

-

**September 10th, 8:30 PM **

Wow. I just met TWO Akatsuki members today!

Their names are Kakuzu and Hidan. I met Hidan's head then his body came along on Kakuzu's shoulder five minutes later. I don't know why his head was just there having an argument with sempai while Sempai held his head with his toes and was blowing a fit at him.

I think Hidan is cool. Kakuzu's so lucky to have such an intresting partner. But I tink Sempai's more intresting cause hes an artist but Hidans opionon on art is blowing brains up.

Now Sempai has arms. His attacks will hurt more when the nerves and muscles reconnect properly. Kakuzu put him on medication for a week and hes not allowed to move them so I have to keep feeding him. Kakuzu told me that if he rebels give him a book on art to look at (Sempai doesn't know how to read that well)

While Kakuzu was putting Dei's arms back on (I don't know how he did it, but hes known as Dr. Kuzu to me) Kakuzu had put Hidans head by the TV remote, Hidan had managed to use his mouth/tongue to switch channels.

Well then I asked why he was only a head and he said, "Not of your business, asshole."

I only asked what was wrong!

But Hidan's a real nice person, in a way.

He was watching this show called H20: Just Add Water about some mermaids and etc I think he liked it. Then he was talking to me about Kakuzu this and Kakuzu that then as soon as Kakuzu and Sempai came out and he went from chitty chatty to angry.

I waved Hidan, Hidan's body and Kakuzu off at 5.

I told Sempai how lovely Hidan was, and all I got was, "He's a prick. He's only getting on your good side so he can kill you."

Ok Sempai's coming so I g2g!!!


	3. T for Tobi

**September 17th, 8:12pm**

-

This is Madara.

I had to take a detour today and visit Zetsu on our current status of locating the 3 tailed beast, as Zetsu found out the hard way that he cannot appear in water. I created a shadow clone so I would still be with Deidara while trying to find one of Zetsu's shoes.

The Mist has beautiful sunsets. Recently there was a fire in the more warmer areas that one of my enemies had lit (probably one of Zabuza's recruitees) and the smoke from there has risen againest the sky. Its a mystical sight really. I'm honoured to see this. But then again seeing all 9 tailed beasts sealed into the statue is even greater.

I think I might write like this from now on. It's more spelling mistake free.

When the great Uchiha Madara perishes, this diary will be the last of me and whoever gets it in an auction will certainly be able to read this writing.

-

**September 17th, 8:14pm **

Ok scratch that!! I'm never going to write like that again

**September 17th, 8:14pm**

**-**

Don't listen to me.

**September 19th, 1:00pm **

-

Few! Me and Sempai almost ran into some rogue ninjas (well he did, i cant really do that anyway cause I'm basically chakra and that is it). Sempai is amazing cause he has his arms back the way they were except he still has to take his meds

Zetsu told me to take them as well

Because Zetsu said it will help my confusing personality

I don't have a confusing personality! I'm just Tobi.

Tobi Tobi Tobi. T for Tobi! T for Teapot. T for Trevor the Tractor. T for Tutu. T for Team Totally T'Awesome!

Ok I made that bit about the T'Awesome bit (I cant think of anything for "team totally" then something else)

So I took the medication

I saw pretty rainbows and I felt really sad ._.

Sempai doesn't have that spirit like he had before with blew up the bad guys (well rogue ninjas cause we are the BADDEST OF ALL!) without laughing or anything, he just did it with some sort of vague looking concertrating face

So anyway I'm supposed to be getting lunch for me and Sempai. We stopped at this cafe, he said to me to get the food and he'll wait, so I get back with our food and hes not there, so I just whipped out my diary and started writing.

I can sense Itachi and Kisame's chakra around here with Deidara's... they are in a sweet shop down the street. I wonder why?

Itachi's chakra seems angry instead of dull and depressed like always! I wonder whats happening... gotta go!


	4. sweet shop raiding

**September 21st, 3:09am **

-

Spent the whole day running from sweet-shop ninjas cause sempai decided to help Kisame.

Itachi has obbsessive compulsive disorder and HAS to go into every sweet shop and buy something. So me, sempai, kisame-senpai and Itachi happened to be in the same town.

Then Kisame came along, found Dei.

I used my sharingan to get info out of sempai when he was sleep, well, the details before i interfeared (dont tell him). which is why I am writing at 3am cause he might wake and blow me up.

So Itachi wanders into Haigh's chocolates, and he sampled every sweet, every chocolate, went on the 20 minute tour which goes into the cellars, and would not come out at all. Kisame tried tugging, threatening, asking, shouting, yelling, screaming at Itachi to get out the store... so anyway Kisame goes to find sempai, and by the time they got to Haigh's, Itachi had brought all their chocolate with Kisame and his food money for the month!

Oh how Kakuzu might get angry at them!

Then he got tired and bumped into the chocolate fountain, spilling chocolate all over sempai and kisame... then sempai got really angry and tried to blow the place up.

Then Itachi used his sharingan to make sempai back off.

Kisame used water to flood the place free of that chocolate fountain.

By that time I had come over.

So while Deidara was apologizing to the owner, saying that one of his business partners (Hidan obviously) will pay up. (Which means Hidan will kill a lot of people, but he'll steal their wallets first), and Kisame scaring off the little children with his really big scary teeth, I crouched down next to Itachi, took my mask off and told him innocently that I will mutilate Sasuke and give to Zetsu for christmas day.

I think he got annoyed.

So I put my mask on, and me and sempai leave.

**-**

**September 21st, 6:29am **

-

I just got a message from Pein. He should know better that time zones are different around the world, as it was 10am there, 6am here, and he should have the time differences known off by heart by now.

Because of Itachi's recklessness, we lost quite a lot of money. Kisame needs to eat alot; Itachi's shopping habits, especially for designer sunglasses and sweets have always cost us money. Akatsuki need to take a few side jobs. So I've given him a few ideas, such as Deidara selling Sasori's puppets to the black market, or painting busker; or Itachi as a taste tester or Hidan in a show as the talking head.

I think my ideas are quite fine; but Pein thinks otherwise, even though I have authority over him.

So we, as Akatsuki, have a meeting at 4am.

Pein and Konan were quite chatty, everyone else was half asleep and barely heard their requests. Pein told Deidara I was a former hyponotist from the Land of Waves. I like the cover; Deidara just nodded.

So we are going to get Deidara to exhibit his artworks in a tourist town. He has a very distinct style also. But its not to everyone's liking.

So I am going to hypontise the crowd to show that EVERYONE loves his art. (more than usual). And will buy his art. For a large sum of money. Then they will have to auction it... then... profit.

Hopefully, this plan will work. If Itachi and Kisame muck up their side job, I was thinking of killing Sasuke.

Its just a threat anyway.

Ciao!

-

If you would like to request something Tobi or Madara to do, go ahead :D


	5. snap crackle pop

**September 25th, 5:00pm**

-

Ok

So maybe some of you (**you shouldnt even be reading my dairy!!!!!**) have been wondering why i use the date and stuff. well its cause i use this really cool device i found.

i dunno what it is but i think its like a travel log, or an electronic diary cause if I stop writing for about 5 minutes (which I'll do now)

-

**September 25th, 5:07pm**

**-  
**

It'll automatically hop to the time I write! (Its 7 minutes cause it took 2 minutes to get to the end of my last entry)

anyway its small and pretty cool.

-

**September 25th, 5:10pm**

**-  
**

It can even access the internet!

-

**September 25th, 5:45pm**

**-  
**

Its really slow... ._. I didn't even know you could get internet anywhere except in a couple of places in Kumo. But no one really knows how the internet works (some say its a portal to another world!). So I guess theres an illegal signal going out for wireless networks. I guess its fine cause its illegal.

So i found this site called 'fanfiction dot net'

It was really weird... it had stories and stuff but before i could click on anything i got a redirected ad to this picture of two girls kissing called 'IMVU'

so i got out of it before sempai came in

-

**September 25th, 9pm**

**-  
**

We went to the library cause Sempai wanted something to read. So theres a guy there that asks us (kindly) if he could have some help unwrapping a new bookstand. The wrapping material was bubblewrap.

NOT JUST ANY BUBBLEWRAP!!!!! v.v

They had REALLY big holes in them and so when the guy said if we can put the wrapping in the bins, behind the library, we got to the bin and sempai took (stole) my bubblewrap and got his scroll out, summoned one of the like, 50 scrolls he has inside that scroll (one scroll has a house in it) and put it in one of the scrolls.

So we went back to the inn and now hes been popping the bubblewrap for over an hour.

Its really really starting to hurt my ears

Its just going POP POP POP POP POP

-_-

-

**September 25th, 10:09pm**

**-  
**

Hes still going.

-

**September 26th, 2:58am**

**-  
**

Still going.

Should I paint my mask pink or red? Or blue... or green. Or dye my hair red so though conspirtists (cant spell) that think Madara Uchiha is still alive will be pulled off track!

-

**September 26th, 5:39am**

-

I can't get to sleep. Hes still popping all the wrap. Most of the air holes have where you press down, theres a pop, then the air gets transferred to the next hole.

I want a cat. They are SO cute.

-

**September 26th, 6:10am**

**-  
**

He stopped. Im sleepy.

-

**September 26th, 9:01pm**

-

Me and Sempai just slept all day. Hes awake right now staring with his eyes glued to a white canvas he brought today. Hes going to paint it but I don't know what. He gave me a canvas as well.

I was thinking of painting konoha in ruins or copying the Mona Lisa or something like Takashi Murakami's art. We got a place at the market for next week so we have to produce five pictures/sculptures each (sempai already had about 20 in one of his scrolls)

I found out why he stopped popping the bubblewrap this morning, its cause Pein sometimes listens into our conversations and he just heard for about 3 hours 'POP POP POP' and yelled at sempai who snapped at him back for something. Then Pein summomed himself (dunno how, he just did) and gave him a box of rice crispies which was imported from Kumo cause Kumo always has some weird food and since sempai forgets to eat sometimes; Pein gave him food cause he knows that he ignores me and wouldn't hear or anything if I asked him things.

I had of those rice cereal things as well. It says on the box, 'Snap, crackle, pop!'

Imnotgoingcrazyimnotgoingcrazyimnotgoingcrazyimnotgoingcrazyimnotgoingcrazy

-

**September 27th, 8:29am**

**-  
**

I finished my first painting! It looks awesome! I would take a picture but Sempai has the camera ._."


End file.
